in the wee hours of the morning..

...i always get nostalgic. i always remember all of the things i have done in the past. as i remember them, i also think of what should have happened. let's say, what i could have said in an argument, or what i could have done to solve the problem. i know, it has all been done, but i always think of them. i guess i dwell in the past too much.

i also remember the good things i have done. my achievements in life. those things. those things that i am not able to do now. i remember those things to remind myself that i was able to do that, and i could do more. to remind myself that i could do that again. to inspire myself. i guess that's not enough to get me inspired.

in the wee hours of the morning, i also daydream. i dream of joining the voice, impressing the judges, and making fans. i dream of being a photographer capturing photos that are eesome to me and to others.i dream of traveling and being able to talk to other people. i sometimes dream of  things i should have achieved, like graduating with latin honors.

sometimes, i just imagine that i have pet pokemons and digimons, or i just imagine the setting of Paulo Coelho's "By The River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept" and Bob Ong's "Alamat ng Gubat" and "Macarthur." I picture the setting of those books in my head and imagine that i am there.

in the wee hours of the morning, my mind gets active that i can't sleep. it gets nostalgic, and it daydreams and imagines things that make me happy, sad, and sometimes, crazy. maybe, that's why my mind goes active in the wee hours so that i could think of all the stress and release them before i go to sleep. tiring my mind by thinking too much that i could sleep quickly.

but, i think, it just reminds me to remember what i've done in the past and learn from it and remember to think of happy thoughts to avoid negativity. :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

isang tanka. :)

bumabagyo,

ngunit ako'y lumalangoy.

lamig ng tubig

ay aking niyayakap

hanggang ako'y manginig.

"i want to ride the carousel.."

...she said. she was already holding and pulling me. she continuously pointed at the carousel from the restaurant we were having lunch at. “penguin,” a nickname she had given me because she laughs when i act like a penguin, “let’s go ride.”

 she wasn’t able to finish her lunch. when my tita, her mother, bought a ticket for her, she excitedly went outside to go to the carousel. her mother asked me to go with her on the ride as a guardian. it was cloudy that day. it was also kind of windy. so, while the carousel was turning, we both felt the cold wind. she was all smiles while on the carousel. she was enjoying every bit of it. i, on the other hand, felt nostalgic. it was my first time to ride the carousel in my twenties. i was remembering the days when i was happy riding a carousel. as i was looking at her, i was thinking if i also had the same reactions on her face when i was riding the carousel. i think, i was also smiling the whole time the carousel was turning around.

 when the carousel was already done turning around, she gave me a big grin. she was obviously happy. i replied back with a big grin, too, and helped her go down the horse. before we start walking back to the restaurant, she started pointing at the Ferris wheel. “penguin, let’s go ride!” i just smiled at her. :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

haiku. :)

it was one of those days when all i did was surf the net. as i was surfing, i came across a certain haiku on the Internet. then, i thought, why not try writing one? hihi. when i tried writing one, i realized how hard it was to write short poems like haiku that express something with subtlety. nevertheless, i kind of liked writing it and wrote some more. i based my poems on the pictures i have taken. i am just an amateur haiku composer. :)

here are the haiku i wrote, including the pictures i based them from. :)

a kite flies freely

wanting to be blown away

with the summer wind

as the moonlight grows

the cold summer wind breezes

through the calm ocean

a familiar sight

the November wind blows soft

ceasing the last light

the day ends slowly

turning the sky bittersweet

and the clouds tainted

a canopy of

leaves and blooming fire flowers

enduring the rain

stillness of a dew 

glued on the tip of the leaf

never letting go

a cold Sunday drive

the city lights transiting

over the night sky

streaks of light racing

the speed of time is chasing

my outdated self

the waves ebb and flow

it finishes a journey

and it sails anew

rain showers gently

ending the glorious daylight

in hues of yellow

aside from writing haiku in English, i also tried writing haiku on Filipino. hihihi. i guess i am pushing the boundaries? no? okay. hoho.

ang ulan ang tugtog

sa bawat patak nito’y

ako’y iindak

these are the poems i wrote. all of the pictures were taken by me. i hope you liked the poems and the pictures. :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

songbirds: on distractions.

the sound of the rain. the sound of the blowing wind. the sound of the cars racing on the road. the sound of the car's chassis. the sound of the people talking, and the tweeting birds. i always try to listen to anything i hear to distract myself temporarily from the things that boggle my mind. through listening to those kinds of sounds, i could distract myself from the pain, confusion, pressure, and sadness i feel.

sometimes, as a distraction, i sing to myself. i turn myself into a radio and sing songs i like and make myself feel at ease. sometimes, i just amuse myself because i have nothing to do, or i am just alone.

hearing those kinds of sounds make me feel like i am hearing music, but they do not produce any melody or tune. just theoe plain sounds make me feel relaxed, and they make me daydream, too. every time i have a bad day, or whenever i am in a awkward moment, i try to hum to myself or listen to the sounds i hear from the surroundings just to keep myself sane.

at this very moment. i am listening to the sound of my keyboard typing and to the movie my brother is watching. apparently, i am feeling kind of frustrated, and i think i should listen to real music now.

i have been overthinking lately. i must and i should distract myself from doing that.

three thoughts.

dark. blurred. messy.

i have been quite depressed this past few days. i am quite depressed because i am not progressing as much as i want to. i mean, i have been at home for months now. i have no work. i only help my mother do household chores and make messages to send via e-mail. other than that, i only stare at my laptop, plurk and tweet, watch the television, watch videos on youtube, vimeo, and veoh, record my singing, take pictures outside, do some blog posts like this, and eat a lot. i still go out with my friends, but i still ask permission to my parents and ask for money. fortunately, i always get permitted to go out. that happens like once or twice a month.

yes. i have been bumming for a long time now that i feel like i have not been improving myself in terms of career. my life looks like.. the picture above. it is dark, blurred, and messy. i feel like i am stuck in a dark cave, and i do not know where to go. my eyes are blurred, and i am losing track of the path i should walk on. moreover, i think my mind is a mess. i have been thinking of too many things. i have been overthinking,  and i have been paranoid, too. i get more depressed as days and months pass by too fast.

however, i realized that i should stop. i should stop the paranoia and the overthinking. i should stop worrying about things that are beyond my control. i guess i should do the things that i can do at the moment. i must now do things that would benefit me in the near future. in addition, i should just enjoy life as it comes. just make it worth living. making myself sad would just make me hate the world more. thus, i should just be happy, and i must not think of depressing things. i should look at the brighter side. i could still have a chance to work. the time's not now, though. maybe, i should visit wonderful places to make myself happy while i am still free. just to make myself experience the outside world more often because i have been stuck at home for a long time now. i just hope my parents would let me go out more often. hihi. :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

***

matagal na itong post na ito. ilang taon na ring siyang nasa drafts dahil ayoko siyang i-publish. tungkol ito sa isang kaibigan. ayoko maging masyadong cheesy. haha. ngayon nga lang, hindi na kami masyadong nakakapag-usap dahil pareha na kaming busy sa aming mga buhay. okay lang, para ngang wala nakong pakialam sa buhay ko. anyway. para lang mabawasan na ang aking mga draft. ayun. :)

***

minsan, hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit siya ang lagi kong iniisip. kahit na abala ako sa gawaing kolehiyo, o kaya nama'y sa tuwing ako ay nasa harap ng computer, lagi siyang sumasagi sa isip ko. ewan ko ba, sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, laging nakukumpleto ang araw ko. parating iba ang pakiramdam ko sa tuwing kasama ko siya. yung pakiramdam na pwede ka nang magpakamatay pag nakapag-usap kayo.

may itsura siya, sa totoo lang. moreno, matangkad, may katamtamang pangangatawan. hindi mapagkakaila na malakas talaga ang dating niya. matalino rin siya, masayang kasama, at masarap kausap.

nagkaroon ako ng "feelings" para sa kanya. oo, kahit na alam ko na hindi maaaring maging kami, nagkaroon pa rin ako ng gusto sa kanya. naitago ko rin yun ng ilang buwan, kasi hindi rin naman kami nagkakapag-usap. tapos, nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na makapag-usap kami. sinabi ko sa kanya na may gusto ako sa kanya. pagkasabi ko nun, nanahimik lang siya. bigla siyang nagsalita, "alam mo, tanggap ko yun." sabay akbay sa aking balikat. mula sa oras na yun, nagkaroon kami ng "moment" para mag-usap. kahit na wala akong pag-asa sa kanya, napakasaya ko, kasi naging kaibigan ko siya.

ngayon, lagi na kaming nakakapag-usap ng kahit anong bagay. tungkol sa kanya, tungkol sa akin. at hindi ko pinagsisihan na sabihin sa kanya na may gusto ako sa kanya. hinding-hindi.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

maligayang buwan ng wika!

maligayang buwan ng Wikang pambansa sa lahat ng mga Pilipino! ipagmalaki natin ang ating sariling wika at ang ating kultura. ating kilalanin na ang ating wika ay para rin sa mga nakapag-aral!

sa totoo lang, hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang aking sasabihin. kung kaya nama'y, maligayang buwan ng Wikang Pambansa mulit sa lahat ng Pilipino!

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

jeux: on childhood

there is always a time that you will always remember the games that you played when you were still young. they always remind you of the good times and the good games you played. nostalgic. especially when playing games occupied a huge part of your childhood memories. i think it is one of the things people will never forget.

i have to admit, i am a bit childish, and i think i am still a kid even though i am already on my twenties. i still have toys, and i still buy new ones, but i am not playing with them anymore. moreover, i still sleep with my stuffed toys. i still watch kiddie shows like "The Backyardigans." in addition, i still go to the playground and ride the swing. aside from that, i still feel happy when i play the games i loved when i was a kid. furthermore, i want to have a children's party on my next birthday. well, yeah. i guess i am a kid at heart. maybe, i have thought subconsciously that i will miss being a kid, so i have decided to remind myself that i could be like a kid.

just this week, i went to the playground to take some pictures. it was like the first time i went out of the house. the sun actually glared at me for a bit. i brought some of my toys, too. i used them as my subjects. as i was taking pictures on the slide, i was not able to stop myself from lying down the slide. when i lied down, it felt really good that i closed my eyes as the wind breezed softly. then, i stared at the trees and the sky for a while. at that moment, it reminded me of my childhood. i remember myself playing on that playground. i was running and giddy. i did not care what will happen next. i was just happy with what was happening at that time. i want to feel that way again. i want to be happy and not think of what will happen next. i want to be carefree. i just want run around and tire myself to sleep.

i guess i should visit the playground more often to remind myself of my childhood and to feel free every once in a while. :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

the physics of quest

when you are ready to go somewhere and leave the things you were used to, you will try to have new experiences from the path you chose, without knowing what will happen next. i mean, you literally not know where your feet will bring you to. it is called the physics of quest.

i, for one, have already visited a lot of places. i have already seen beautiful landscapes and stunning horizons. i have glimpsed the culture of the places i went to. i have walked by the beach, ran on the road while raining, and talked to people who spoke different languages. it was really nice to leave the place you always see and the things you always do to take a rest and see things we have not seen yet.

every time i go away, i try to leave negativity and other things that would make me think heavily and make me feel frustrated. as i visit new places, i just indulge myself to the surroundings. i savor the luscious green trees, the flowers, flying birds, running squirrels, swinging monkeys, people walking, cute little trinkets, beach, sand, and other things that would distract me and make me forget the problems i should face for a while.

however, after i go away, i return and face those familiar things as i have rested and have renewed my strength to face them. i guess it is better to be in a place you are familiar with. you are used to it. you will never get lost.

i want to leave that familiar place and go away. i want to go far away from it and leave every thing i could leave. i want to experience new things from other places i have never been to. as i leave this familiar things behind me, i will have plenty of space to gather new experiences. though, i still do not have the strength to just leave them and not go back. i am not yet ready to get lost. i still cannot let go of the place i have loved.

one day, i will have the strength to leave it all behind. i just need some time. for now, i shall enjoy the familiarity while i can see and have them. :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

it's totally been awhile.

after four or five months, here i am again. trying to continue the things i had left behind. fixing the pieces and starting again. here i am, trying to do an update. trying to patch things up.

enough with the drama, though. it has been a while. i actually had a hiatus, but i didn't realize it was a hiatus until i thought that i haven't updated anything, until now. maybe because i got busy with work and other things that i was not able to find time doing this. so many things had happened, and i think the best way to let it out is to do this. so, here i am.

first, i am, again, unemployed. my contract from that editing job had already ended. so i am starting from scratch. i actually don't know what job to find. i want to try working in the government since i passed the Civil Service Exam professional level. but, my certificate is not yet fixed because of my misspelled name. i can still try writing, since i already have experience. nonetheless, i still don't know. huu. oh well. i must decide. and i should be happy with what i have decided to do.

second, last summer was one of the best i had so far. i had been to places here in the Philippines and in another country. last April, my and i went to Bicol. then, i went to Boracay with my friends. aside from that, my parents decided that we should go to Thailand, so we went there last June. it was amazing! i actually want to visit more places here in the Philippines first before visiting other countries. our country is really full of beautiful places and other exciting things to see. the Mayon volcano was really nice. i was also able to make my own ceramic vase. molding clay is a hard thing to do. it is really hard. muscles are needed. hahaha. Boracay beaches, furthermore, really are one of the things to see in the Philippines. white fine sand, party-rocking night life, and exhilarating activities like parasailing, riding the flyfish, and helmet diving. of course, Thailand. was able to see Pattaya, Ayutthaya, and Bangkok. Thais are pretty looking people. and they value their culture very much. we saw many Buddhist temples and different Buddha images. we saw temple ruins. in addition, they also care for the environment. it was clean there. i was able to see a lot of doves flying, squirrels running on trees, and we were able to feed fishes over the river. overall, it was a great summer with family and friends. :)

currently. i am a bum. trying to find work. taking photos of my little trifles and trying to write legit haiku based on the pictures i took. i have also been heping my mother with the chores and been singing with my friends since 21st century began. enjoying the things i can do for now. and trying to figure out what i really want to do forever. i just wish that i will figure it out soon enough.

here are some pictures:

i actually hope to go travel again. when i already saved enough money from work. if i could just travel for a living. that would be fun. i hope you're doing good.

PS: i have a lot of drafts to do. i must, at least, publish them since they have been ignored for a year now. ._.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa.

untitled.

here we go again. i don’t know where to start. where to begin. where to find myself. where to… where to go. i don’t know. i always tell myself what i want to be. but it always turns out not working out. so i try again. then it won’t work.


i mean. i don’t know. i am always afraid to try. because i am always afraid to fail. because when i fail, i might not get up again. i mean, yeah, i want to learn. but i don’t want to fall straight to the bottom. i always blame myself when something goes wrong. i always see myself as a failure. but that shouldn’t be the case. but. i just can’t.
i need to do something. just anything. i need to feel better. just to make myself happy that i could do something good. even if it is not great, just good, i’d be happy. just.. if i could just. do something. really good. 


i am sorry. i am. just. frustrated. :(

New Job.

 So. Yeah. I've been so away from updating this. Got very tired. Did many things. And what the hell, I actually had time to do *this* but I just did not have the creative juice to write anything or whatever. So yeah. Here* *I am. Trying to update you. Haha.

So, as the title says. I already have a *new* job. This is already my second job, technically. I learned many things on my first job, which was just an internship. Still, I gained experience. I practiced my writing, research and *sneaking* skills on texting, going to social networking sites and watching on YouTube. Of course, I will miss my office mates from my first job. They were all great. I will miss my bosses, too. I had a crush on one American boss, and two Danish-national office mates. They were all accommodating and all. They were hot. Anyway. I must move on. Here on my second job, I shall edit essays written by Korean students. I shall correct their grammar, vocabulary, spelling, and I will learn to interpret their English writing. A challenging job, given that Koreans are not English speakers, and the company that I got into is the one that will teach English to Korean students. So yeah, I am a teacher in a way, because I teach the student how to write an understandable and sound essay. I hope I survive this job. And yeah, I also hope that I earn much money from this job because I still need to pay for my vacation this April. Yeah. I still have time for vacations. Of course! It's summer! I must enjoy. Hihi.

So. There. I shall [insert promise here]. HAHAHAHA. I just wish that I could do this more often. It's a healthy thing because it keeps my mind sane.

I shall now think of something to do. Or. Something to write. Or. Something. To think of.

*aand cut* galing mag-english! tanggap ka na! congrats! welcome to the team!

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

here we go again.

night time. 11.00. already lying in the messy bed. he is embracing the blanket. stuff toys, a towel, some pair of pants and jackets scattered on the bed.

changes to fetal position. it was a hot night, he was sweating. he's eyes were teary. not sure if crying, or sleepy. he was wide awake. texting on his phone while waiting to fall asleep. imagining. thinking of several things. staring.

he closes his eyes..

"maybe, if i would not done that, im not thinking like this now. maybe, i would have been happier. i lied to people. i lied about myself. it's true. im a pathetic little attention whore. the truth is im just nothing. i lied almost about anything. because i wanted to be loved. i want to be a friend. i wanted to be.. a great person. but no. all lies. i am really weak. im really not great. im. just. ordinary. always having self-pity. low self-esteem. no confidence. scared to fail. afraid of getting backstabbed. but, i know, it is all my fault.. i lied too much. i was too much of a liar. it's bad. i know. i deceived people. they thought im smart.. im cool. but no. because i just made it up."

11.22pm. still awake. still thinking.

"i want to tell you. that i am very sorry.. i never passed that test. i never been in love truly. no one had gave back the affection that i showed. i just.. was lying around. but. i have told true things too.. and i want to be completely honest now. it's already new year. but. i know i have been bad. and im not that trustworthy.. i shall be okay if you'll hate me.. if you'll leave me alone. it's okay. it is a punishment for me i guess. i just.. want to blurt this out."

he opens his eyes. looked at the darkness. his stomach grows hungry. he decided to just lay down. and just watch how the light from his phone slightly brighten the dark room. he stopped and stared. he got teary eyed.. and fell asleep. innocence.


good night.

oh. yeah. happy valentine's.

Happy Valentine's. Yeah. I think that's the only thing that I can think of right now.

I have been too busy with work and other stuff that I have forgotten updating this little piece of my mind, which is the scene of the crime, which in my mind. Yes. unrelated thought is unrelated.

But. Yeah. I will try my very best to update my blog again. Do some more drafts. Then. Some. More. Things. And. Uh. Ahihi. Ha.

So Yeah. I am actually working right now. So. I must. Go. Now.

Awooo. Yes. This a non-sense post. Har.

Hanggang Sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

better late than never. :)

YEAH. better frigging late than frigging never.

so. uh. happy new year! the normal and the chinese one. what. hahaha.

yeah. i have been so busy about a lot things. work. work. work. and other things that i want to do.

so. it's new year! how time pass by so fast!

so. let us reminisce. the year that was. 2011

it was a year of a lot of things. i was able to explore that world (not literally, though. i just wish haha.). i went to places that i have never been to, seen things i never seen and did thing i don't usually do. and yeah. it was worth it. i also did a lot of walking this year. LIKE A LOT OF WALKING. maybe that's the reason why im not getting fat. or whatever. anywaaay.

i met a lot of people too. through job applications, through travelling, and through other things. it was actually fun to talk them. knowing a glimpse of them. and those kinds of things this year was the start of something new. and i will continue that this year.

and yeah! i got my job later last year! and i thought i was not going to have a job in 2011. but i did. but it was just an internship. but, hey. it's still okay. i think im gaining all the experience that i need, which would also help me find new jobs too.

and yeah. will try to do new things this year, too. cause, it's a new year. lol.

i will try to travel more. will try to save more money. and buy things that i need more than i want. (meaning i can still buy and do what i want, but i must limit. haha.) will try to believe in myself more. confidence. think at the brighter side. inspire others (yeah, that sounded weird, eh?), and help others too. oh. i will try to write more (a lot of drafts still unpublished. how idle of me..) and must take more pictures, hoard some pieces ( i haven't hoard much this year. it's okay though, less.. things to fix. hihi). and. yeah. be happy and go with the flow.

i also want to get a little fat (OF COURSE. it's one of my ultimate goals.) aaand, be decent looking. HA. yeah, because i am an alien, im like a kraken. :))

so. yeah. 2011, thank you very much for a jam-packed year. 2012, hope this year's gonna be great! :)

so. uh. i shall make another year-ender post... in pictures. hihi. :)

happy new year again! let's make this year an exciting one! :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)