songbirds: on distractions.

the sound of the rain. the sound of the blowing wind. the sound of the cars racing on the road. the sound of the car's chassis. the sound of the people talking, and the tweeting birds. i always try to listen to anything i hear to distract myself temporarily from the things that boggle my mind. through listening to those kinds of sounds, i could distract myself from the pain, confusion, pressure, and sadness i feel.

sometimes, as a distraction, i sing to myself. i turn myself into a radio and sing songs i like and make myself feel at ease. sometimes, i just amuse myself because i have nothing to do, or i am just alone.

hearing those kinds of sounds make me feel like i am hearing music, but they do not produce any melody or tune. just theoe plain sounds make me feel relaxed, and they make me daydream, too. every time i have a bad day, or whenever i am in a awkward moment, i try to hum to myself or listen to the sounds i hear from the surroundings just to keep myself sane.

at this very moment. i am listening to the sound of my keyboard typing and to the movie my brother is watching. apparently, i am feeling kind of frustrated, and i think i should listen to real music now.

i have been overthinking lately. i must and i should distract myself from doing that.

three thoughts.

dark. blurred. messy.

i have been quite depressed this past few days. i am quite depressed because i am not progressing as much as i want to. i mean, i have been at home for months now. i have no work. i only help my mother do household chores and make messages to send via e-mail. other than that, i only stare at my laptop, plurk and tweet, watch the television, watch videos on youtube, vimeo, and veoh, record my singing, take pictures outside, do some blog posts like this, and eat a lot. i still go out with my friends, but i still ask permission to my parents and ask for money. fortunately, i always get permitted to go out. that happens like once or twice a month.

yes. i have been bumming for a long time now that i feel like i have not been improving myself in terms of career. my life looks like.. the picture above. it is dark, blurred, and messy. i feel like i am stuck in a dark cave, and i do not know where to go. my eyes are blurred, and i am losing track of the path i should walk on. moreover, i think my mind is a mess. i have been thinking of too many things. i have been overthinking,  and i have been paranoid, too. i get more depressed as days and months pass by too fast.

however, i realized that i should stop. i should stop the paranoia and the overthinking. i should stop worrying about things that are beyond my control. i guess i should do the things that i can do at the moment. i must now do things that would benefit me in the near future. in addition, i should just enjoy life as it comes. just make it worth living. making myself sad would just make me hate the world more. thus, i should just be happy, and i must not think of depressing things. i should look at the brighter side. i could still have a chance to work. the time's not now, though. maybe, i should visit wonderful places to make myself happy while i am still free. just to make myself experience the outside world more often because i have been stuck at home for a long time now. i just hope my parents would let me go out more often. hihi. :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

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matagal na itong post na ito. ilang taon na ring siyang nasa drafts dahil ayoko siyang i-publish. tungkol ito sa isang kaibigan. ayoko maging masyadong cheesy. haha. ngayon nga lang, hindi na kami masyadong nakakapag-usap dahil pareha na kaming busy sa aming mga buhay. okay lang, para ngang wala nakong pakialam sa buhay ko. anyway. para lang mabawasan na ang aking mga draft. ayun. :)

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minsan, hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit siya ang lagi kong iniisip. kahit na abala ako sa gawaing kolehiyo, o kaya nama'y sa tuwing ako ay nasa harap ng computer, lagi siyang sumasagi sa isip ko. ewan ko ba, sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, laging nakukumpleto ang araw ko. parating iba ang pakiramdam ko sa tuwing kasama ko siya. yung pakiramdam na pwede ka nang magpakamatay pag nakapag-usap kayo.

may itsura siya, sa totoo lang. moreno, matangkad, may katamtamang pangangatawan. hindi mapagkakaila na malakas talaga ang dating niya. matalino rin siya, masayang kasama, at masarap kausap.

nagkaroon ako ng "feelings" para sa kanya. oo, kahit na alam ko na hindi maaaring maging kami, nagkaroon pa rin ako ng gusto sa kanya. naitago ko rin yun ng ilang buwan, kasi hindi rin naman kami nagkakapag-usap. tapos, nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na makapag-usap kami. sinabi ko sa kanya na may gusto ako sa kanya. pagkasabi ko nun, nanahimik lang siya. bigla siyang nagsalita, "alam mo, tanggap ko yun." sabay akbay sa aking balikat. mula sa oras na yun, nagkaroon kami ng "moment" para mag-usap. kahit na wala akong pag-asa sa kanya, napakasaya ko, kasi naging kaibigan ko siya.

ngayon, lagi na kaming nakakapag-usap ng kahit anong bagay. tungkol sa kanya, tungkol sa akin. at hindi ko pinagsisihan na sabihin sa kanya na may gusto ako sa kanya. hinding-hindi.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)