i feel like a weak being.

I want to strengthen myself. I feel so weak. :(

existential.

today. i thought why am i existing. what is the purpose of my existence? and how will my existence would end? and why? when? where? and the series of questions filled my mind.

well. i don't really know why am i thinking of it.

wooh. i hope that i would not be thinking of this too often. and. i should not linger with thinking of these things. ._.

anyway. yun lang naman. hihi.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

emoticons. HA.

so. uh. wala akong magawa. so. meet the emoticons. just before i sleep. galing kasi to sa plurk. EHH. ayun. wala lang. hahaha. eto ang bumubuhay sakin. hoho. madami pa sila. at dadami pa. HAHA. yep. im hoarder. :))

 

 
 

so. ayun. hello daw. HAHA. loljk.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

it's been a while, isn't it?

and here i am. trying to write something. i don't know even what to write. maybe something. maybe any thing. maybe. nothing. i'll write about nothing.

kidding aside, yes. here i am. trying to make a post. about. what? about. me? no. about you? i guess? hahaha. let's see. oh of course. it's about life. and whatnot. enough. enough of this non-sense.

okay. so, here's actually the point. i shall. make. an update. OMG. what's an update? that's new to me. definitely. because i have been away from my hoarding space for like. a month? which felt like, a decade? it really felt like i was not able to touch my blog for that long that i forgot that i have a lot of drafts to do (which were nothing but for myself, i think), and some other plans for the readers (if there are any. haha.) 

anyway. so. yeah. it's already christmas. it's already november. yes. i already have a job. no. an internship is more appropriate. yeah. feels like im already working. but, im still a trainee. trying to learn everything they throw at me. and. uh. yeah. i feel like i want to quit, but i can't. sacrifices. i must. at least. complete the whole internship. i hope so. i just hope so. 

well. what else? been to Davao. haha. been to some other places. bought some new stuff, received some too. i have a new stuffed toy named CJ7. HAHA. i also want to buy new books. do covers of some songs, and. uh. yeah.

so. i really want to update this more often. BUT. yeah. work is already occupying my time. aw. so. aw. haay. but. i shall try. shall try posting via mail. hoo. sana effective. HAHA.

so. yeah. i want to end this with an explosion. so. uh. here are some pictures. HA!

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. 

EXPLOSION.

try.

hi. texting from a phone. ha!
trying if it works. hahaha!

TESTING.

testing this again. if it's still working.

hello from yahoo mail! :D

niji: on rainbows

RAINBOW PRIDE! yea. hahaha.

i love rainbows. not because it comes after the rain.

it's because it's colorful. HA!

non-sense.

but yeah. i love rainbows. because i love colors. it comes after every rain. it symbolizes that every bad thing is succeeded by a good thing. rainbows are also for the people, like me, it symbolizes our colorful personalities and how we conquer discrimination and inequality and shine after.

and yeah. everybody wants to see where the rainbow ends. i want to know too. is it in a pot of gold? i don't know.

rainbow is a sign of the end of a bad thing.

we should always look forward to seeing good things.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

for the teachers. :)

thank you to all the teachers that i had from nursery to college. thank you to all of you. the ones who taught me how to count, to read, to talk. to the ones who taught me how to dance, sing and write. thank you.

to the ones who taught me friendship, love, kindness, all those values. to the ones who taught me perserverance and discipline. thank you.

to the ones who taught me how to face problems. how to open up. how to listen. how to know what's right and wrong. thank you. 

to the teachers who inspired me to do well, pushed me to my limits, punished me for my wrong doings, talked to me about anything. to my teacher crushes, to my hated ones, thank you.

for all the assignments, book reports, projects, plays, journal entries, hands-on exams, practical tests, and the grades you gave me, thank you.

thank you for teaching me. teachers, professors, friends, parents. thank you. :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

ganesh: on conquering obstacles

all of us have our own obstacles. all of us, conquer these obstacles with ease. some, with difficulty. one thing's for sure, we all do everything just to conquer these obstacles.

i always think that whatever happens, even when it's really difficult to handle obstacles, i just face it. not like a warrior though. perhaps, facing it like i have done it over a million times.

when all else fails, i pray. and wish that miracles may happen. i sometimes cry, and blame myself for what had happened. but i make it to a point that i learn from it.

i try to make every obstacles memorable for me. even when it's my downfall, i face it like i want to. there's no other way. i may escape from it, but it will still chase you. so. before it becomes worse, conquer it without turning back.

i might do it alone. or with my friends. that makes conquering obstacles better.

all of us. conquer our obstacles. in different treatments, in different places. with different people. 

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

passive.

absent-minded.

not that active.

ganyan ako minsan. nakatunganga lang. malayo minsan ang tingin. or maraming naiisip. kaya minsan. hindi ko na namamalayan, may mga lumagpas na pala sakin sa pila, or minsan mapagbigay lang ako.

minsan, pinagbibigyan ko nalang. kung mali, edi mali. ano pang magagawa ko. mali na eh. pag nagawa na, hindi ko naman na maibabalik.

minsan. wala lang akong pakialam. bahala sila kung anong desisyon. oo nalang ako. kahit di ko talaga naintindihan.

yun ang minsang mali sakin. hindi ako masyadong ma-react. okay nako basta may nagawa. haaay.

minsan sa pagiging passive ko, nagiging indecisive din ako. um-oo ako, ayaw ko pala nun. nagmumukha pa tuloy akong mali minsan.

kailangan kong maging active na. di lang active sa pangangatawan, pati sa pag-iisip din siguro. haay.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

you can't stop the beat.

watched the premiere episode of glee.

t'was actually good. it showed there how the glee club never gave up even though there where protests against the arts, na pinangungunahan ni Sue. blah blah blah. basta ang point ng episode eh hindi sila mapipigilan ng kahit ano, hangga't di sila nawawasak.

that day, was actually something for me. that day. i was rejected by 2 companies that i was expecting to accept me as their employee. sadly, they rejected, on the same day. it was depressing for me to know that. on that day. i. am. crushed. i was like. "hindi na ata ako magkakaroon ng trabaho kung ganyan.." or "ano ba ang nagawa kong mali na ayaw nila?" HAA. it's depressing. frustrating. i can't even be happy because i really want to work. but it's not coming.

but. after watching glee. i thought. im not gonna stop. i can still find other companies that would hire me. i shall never get tired of finding a suitable job. i shall. wait too. if something shall come. or if it will come. woooh. i need to be happy. i must me happy. wooh. Lord. sana po may dumating na. please. haay.

kahit siguro chimini-aa nalang ako. basta may sweldo. haa. hay.

Lord sana matanggap nako.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

fiction becomes reality.

all of us. all of us are writers. writers of our own fictions. fictions that we imagine and create. imagine and create inside our minds. in our minds, where we build our own world. a world full of ideas and dreams that will come true. or not.

i have made a lot of fictions. different stories that i want to happen. i have imagined myself being in love, being happy. i always daydream of travelling to a lot of places, places that has never been touched by men. some undiscovered places, some place far from home. i think of winning. of achieving awards. of making myself proud that i was able to that, making my family and friends proud of me. i think of doing what i want. to sing, dance, read my favorite books, take beautiful pictures. i want to skydive. to swim without a life vest on. to ride a hot air balloon. to surf. to skinny dip. to live near the beach. to have a simple home. to be alone. to earn money, and save them. to buy the things that i want. to enjoy. i imagine myself to have my own anime characters, to have pokemons as my pets. i imagine that i will be meeting someone someday. someone that i will accept me. someone who shall see at my best, even when im at my worst.

someone. somewhere. something. i have written a lot of fictions. but they are all imaginations. i sometimes think that they have already happened. that i have already experienced them, ironic. i pretend to know the feeling, but i don't. fake memories. ideal. unreal. i sometimes think that it's impossible. impossible to make these fictions real. impossible for i don't see any hint they may happen. i think. i imagine. it's just all in the mind. but never became real.

i always think, of when will my fictions become reality. how long will i wait? how long shall i strive? how long. will i imagine? how. will i make it real?

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

haha.

as much as i really want to write. i can't find any inspiration to do so.

even when i already have the ideas to write, i still get blocked by something i don't know. an evil force? an idle force? i dunno. i don't really know. hm.

i always get lazy. aw.

maybe next, ill just make an update, then maybe try to squeeze some unfinished drafts. hoho.

i am really not in the mood to blog. but yeah, im blogging now. how ironic. :))

oh well. hope all of you are doing fine. :)

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

how plants effect the world.

a while ago, i went to a company i applied last last week, i think. i applied for the position of an article writer in that company. it was in makati, and the exam sched was at 9am in the morning. i was with a friend, Maia. i actually slept early to wake up early, but was really sleepy. i was not even expecting anything after that exam, if ever i pass, or fail, or whatsoever.

so, i got to makati free with my father's stored value MRT card.

i was really amazed because the office was in a condo, where people live, or settle. lol. but nevertheless, there's an office there. in 31st floor. the second to the highest floor. i really got dizzy and deaf after the elevator ride.

we arrived their 1 hour before the sched of our exam, so we kind of waited a little more. the office was already great. there was a kitchen, everybody could make their own coffee too while working, and even listen to music. the office atmosphere was good too.

before the employees fill the office, we already had our exams. there were three: a personality exam, typing speed test, and article writing. i was kinda good on the two former tests (or not. hahaha.). but the article writing part was. really. not tough. but not easy too. but i tell you, what i wrote was really not that deep. it's kinda shallow, for me. it's really a simple topic.

there were 4 topics to choose from. one about overpopulation, then another about religion, and the other is about proactive measures to avoid pollution. what i chose, was, i think, the easiest of the four topics.

it was "how plants effect the world." yes. 'effect'. i actually wanted to ask the facilitator if this was really 'effect' or 'affect'. i didn't ask her, so i just wrote the article.

the article just revolved on how we use plants. like us experiments in school, decoration at home. but, it has also helped us in greater ways, even with just a small single plant. it had help us breathe, since it absorbs carbon dioxide and releases oxygen that we breathe. they actually lessen pollution and global warming. plants produce cold air and shades from the sun we enjoy. it also prevents soil erosion. and also, in these developing times, plants have also been are source of medicine, food, shelter, clothes and more. it's like the more we develop, the more we discover how plants would help us.

but. there's one thing that i forgot to say in that article. plants had been giving us humans what we need, what we use. and what we consume. but. after taking and receiving those effects, some people never return the favor of helping plants grow, and developing a greener environment for a better living community. if we don't take care of the plants, they shall wither and die, and will lose the oxygen, soils shall not be kept and will result to landslides and flashfloods. and we will lose our homes, there'll be famine, and the like. so, before it's too late, let us take care of the plants around us. let us not waste our time. and of course, remember these plants' effects to the world.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

bumming.

well yeah. just thought of. making a nonsense post. (even when all posts here are nonsense) HAHAHA. yeah.

so. how nonsense is this?

nothing. it's just nothing. :))

cause i don't really know what to write. and i don't think that i have creative juices now to squeeze, and i don't have the inspiration to write things. HA.

still have a lot of drafts to write. and i hope i'd be able to cope up with writing in english. hihihi.

and. uh. gusto ko rin makapag-salita ng Filipino sa aking mga entri. hahahaha. lol.

okay. enough. tama na. masyado na atang nonsense. hahaha.

so yeah. yun lang. hihihi.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

in english..

until next time, avid reader. :)

childhood myth. :)

*this has been a long due draft. i made this during some months of 2009 or 2010. and i just decided to complete and publish this post. haha.*

anyway. this post was inspired by my literature prof when i was in third year. it was the first exercise or assignment, i think, that she made us do. it was about our childhood myth. since our literature class then was all about myths and whatnot, she told us to make our own, based on the experiences we had during childhood.

i actually got excited, at first, since i always think of my childhood. the weird childhood of mine, i remembered all those things that i did when i was a kid. and i was really insane, which didn't change until now. anyway. so i did write my childhood myth.

i'll just tell the highlights of that thing. haha! because i really can't remember the whole thing that i wrote, just the details, i think. but the bottomline of the story was i thought that i was an alien. these were my reasons: 1. i don't like the normal kids. i don't speak tagalog, i don't speak english. go figure how i talked. 2. i have the most unique toys. my car's a cellphone, my doll is a paperbag holder, and animal figures are pieces of lego which do not even look like an animal. i sometimes put my toys in a container, and bring them everywhere i go. i have special connections with them because i consider them as 'friends'. friends, meaning, i talk to them. weird huh?

more strange, that i still do now, i talk, sing and laugh to myself. i talk to the clouds, trees and anything that i could see. i could survive a day just wandering in just one place, staring, eating and taking pictures of them. though i didn't have a camera back then. so yeah.

when i was a kid, i considered myself as a loner since i am an alien. everybody thinks that i weird. yeah, i didn't even know by that time that i am gay, but i was already acting one. ironic.

and look at me now. i am now gay. though, i still talk to myself, still loves toy-like things, and still collecting small pieces of things that reminds me of what i was when i was a kid.

one thing that i realized when i was writing my childhood myth: it's actually a good thing remembering those childhood memories that you did. of course, you'd miss those times. and of course, it's your choice to relive those memories. just to feel that you were that kid, and that childhood myth helped you be who you are, and the basis of what you are, now.

anywaaaay. it's already way passed my bedtime, i should sleep now. i'll be conquering the world. again. later. haha.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

OKAY.

OKAY. JUST TRIED THE NEW BLOGGER LOOK.

IT LOOKS SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

okay. yun lang. HAHA.

:))

drafts, drafts.

so. i have been surfing the net every day. been searching for jobs every day. been stuck to facebook, twitter and plurk. and tumblr at times, and to youtube often times.

i have also been seeing how to make articles and whatso. haha. i don't even know if i'm making one now. LOL.

i read that when i have an idea, i should list it down so i could not forget it.

hence, a lot of drafts. HAHA.

i have been filling this blog with empty, stupid drafts. and when they are already published, well, they still look like drafts. or not. lol.

anywaaaaaaaaaaaay. i'd made so many drafts. hope i'd be able to finish them all, before the year ends. (OHA. feeling writer lang naman ako!) HAHAHAHA.

so yeah. i sometimes post random thoughts that i could also publish quickly. so. yeah. might do some now.

kkkkkkkk. nagugutom ako ng bonggang-bongga. fooood. come here please!

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

spiralling panorama of insanity.

when i get insane. and you put the camera inside my eyes, this is how i view the world. literally. i think. literally. 

YES I AM INSANE. 

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

those desperate days.

when I suddenly feel the urge of having something that I really want. I really need. I really like. when I imagine myself earning something from the hard work that I did. when I already want to gain experience. when getting out of home is the only thing in my mind. when doing something else would make me happy. when getting busy will make me forget of other things.

those desperate days. when I already want to start living your life. when I want to feel independent. when I want to prove yourself of what I can do. when I already help my loved ones, give them what they want. give myself what I want. when I get excited of looking to things that I like. 

those desperate days. when I don't know what to do. when I don't know what to know. when I don't know what to try. what to discover. what to give. what to hone. what to think. when I think of how to live. 

those desperate days. that always bugs me every single second of my life. 

those desperate days. this day has been one of those. 

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

the "hindi ko maisip naguguluhan ako kaya gagawin ko nalang to" blog post. :)

OO. eto nga lang actually ilalagay ko.

i have been really bad. in everything. it makes me really feel not myself. not because i am a person that always know what's the right thing. that's actually what i want to learn. i never knew what is the right thing, because i've been doing the wrong thing.

pero. there's always space for the errors you've done, and fill with the right and good things.

hindi ko talaga maisip. na ginawa ko yun. na ang lakas ng loob ko, na magsinungaling, na tumakbo, na sabihin na may magagawa ako. pero wala. pag hinarap ko, naduduwag naman ako. takot ako. gagawin ko tas hindi ko kayang harapin ang mga consequences ng ginawa ko. makes me weak. sinira ko lang sarili ko.

naguguluhan ako. sa dapat kong gawin. sa dapat kong isipin. ano bang dapat kong gawin? ano ang dapat kong isipin? ano nga ba? masyado nakong nagrerelax. masyado nakong nag-eenjoy na hindi alamin ang susunod na mangyayari sakin. mahirap din yun. hindi ko na alam. naguguluhan. nalilito ako. frustrated. pressured. di ko alam.

kaya gagawin ko nalang to. sugod na lang ng sugod. bahala na. at least nitry ko. hindi ko na gagawin yung mga dapat hindi gagawin. gusto kong baguhin ang sarili ko. dahan-dahan. hanggang sa mawala ang pakiramdam ko sa sarili ko na mahina ako. na wala akong kwenta. susubukan kong patibayin ang sarili ko. susubukan kong magtiwala sa sarili. susubukan kong umasa sa kung ano man ang mabuti. susubukan kong isipin ang mga bagay na gusto ko. at susubukan kong abutin ang mga ito.

susubukan. susubukan lang. kahit na. pumalpak. susubukan. susubukan at susubukan.

sa ngayon. susubukan kong matulog. magulo na ang isip ko.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

missing UST.

even after graduating from AB, I still get a chance and time and money to go to UST, just to visit my classmates. Just to meet up before going elsewhere, or just missing the school itself. After graduating, it's like I am not yet a graduate, I still feel like a student. People who personally know me might think "parang di ka pa rin grumaduate, nandito ka pa rin sa UST eh."

Yeah. I don't know. Sometimes, when I feel like going out, the first thing that reason that comes to my mind is "punta nalang kaya akong UST, mangangamusta.." But. It won't work anyway. They are busy too, they're students. They might be too busy talking to me. But. Sometimes, I just think of going there because I just want to. A lame reason, but I just really want to.

The oh so majestic Main Building with all its statues and the cross that makes the people think that its the UST Church. And how the sun tries to penetrate its rays behind the building in that afternoon.

Tinoco park. The all-time favorite tambayan. It has been a great place for practicing, copying assignments, releasing all our stresses, laughing it out, spotting and pure chatting with friends and classmates. I love how shady this place is. hahaha.

The Quadri-Park and the Fountain, which is my source of fascination everytime I need to stay in UST for more hours for some reasons. HAHA. and the library, where I quench the heat, and where I was able to update my online accounts. HIHI. I had clanderstines in that library. lol.

The Quadricentennial year of UST. Before leaving the campus, I took this as a remembrance of this lane. where I cross everytime. Sometimes. Get emo. HAHA. not.

Plaza Mayor. Where people wait. Where I watched shows. I performed here too. And. Plaza Mayor. The source of all events. Or. Not. lol.

HAHA. yeah. this made me laugh. Everytime I wait in the Alumni Walkway. What if I am really thirsty? lol. Kidding.

The pathway going home. Yeah. Where dried leaves fall, Where the rain falls, and where the flying cockroaches scare you to death. HAHA. I still want to see my name written in that walls. 

Even when it's already March, Christmas lights are still in for UST. And those blooming and fiery fireflowers were the proof of how hot that day was. Beautiful.

Of course! I will never forget the AB Building and its corridors. Where I said hi to anyone I know. Where I ran, photocopied, wandered, got punished by professors, hid, galabanted, waited, cried, laughed, met friends, had lunch, shouted and so on. HAHA. Yeah. I miss the days sitting in there. 

Well. Maybe. Father Benavidez, including St. Thomas, St. Raymund, and all the other Saints in the campus, had guided me throughout my college years in UST. I always see this whenever I go to class, or I go home. Yeah. Thank you Father, It has been a pleasure studying in the University you founded.

Yeah. Sorry for posting too many pictures. I am not really used to posting pictures while writing a blog. But. I just tried it. And. Uh. To emphasize and show how I am missing UST right now. hihihihi. Pak ang mushy ko.Tama na nga! Langya. Kung tao lang ang UST, kanina pa siguro ako na-gago nito. HAHAHAHAHA!

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)