a Chinese proverb

i found this in my notebook where i used to write my research for a part-time and my things-to-do lists for my previous full-time work.

this is the only time i opened my notebook and see this squared note because i already have a new job and i need all the notebooks i need to take in all the things i will learn. i have been getting writing and editing jobs after graduating from college, but it feels like i haven't improved that much. or maybe that's just me being negative. 

it's actually timely that this piece of note is clipped in my notebook. reminding me that in everything i do, i learn something new about life, things, and myself. 

aside from having a new job, i just turned 26 this month. and this is a reminder that i haven't learned a lot of things just yet. i still have a long way to go and only a limited time to absorb every experience. i actually remembered everything that i have done for the past 25 years. i know i have already learned a lot, but there are still a lot of things to see and explore.

as for now, i will keep on taking in what i can take in.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

what i see...

...right now is a dark place. pitch black. nothing.

this was far from what i always see before. i always see how i would get successful through my skills and talents. i have seen myself getting better at playing volleyball and getting invited to play for sports fests. i have seen myself being great in blogging that people would always get interested with the topics i write. i have seen myself be great in photography, managing my own photo exhibits with photos taken through my mobile phones and digital camera. i have seen myself singing in gigs and impressing people with the way i sing.

i have seen myself being great with the work i get involved in. i have seen myself being a communications specialist, a content writer, a researcher, or an employee at the embassy. i always see myself doing good at anything i do at work, learning new things, being friends with my co-workmates and bosses.

i have seen myself traveling the world and living the dream. helping my family in paying finances and improving my life in every way possible.

but now, i see nothing. it felt like every thing that i dreamed of has been erased in my memory and i don't even know what to do now.

but, what i have learned after all this is not to expect, but hope. to hope that, though i won't be able to see all of these dreams come true, one will eventually. it may or may not be soon, just hope that it comes true. i have learned to go with the flow. see other things rather than seeing what i want. take a peek at other things and try.

i guess, for now, i have to turn on the lights so that i know where i am, instead of seeing nothing.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

Light

i have been finding the light that will lead the way. but i haven't found it yet. i don't when i'll find it. i don't even know if i'll find it in the first place.

i have been thinking...

... of what will happen next. on what lies on my future.

today is holy wednesday. today is my first day after i resigned from my current work.

today i started to think...

i already thought of resigning from my job earlier in january. one of my reasons at that time was i already have enough experience. it's been two years. two eventful years of employment with the company. but the real reason was just because i just don't want to be there anymore. it's not because of my officemates or my bosses. it was because i just got tired of it. the work i did and all those work drama.

i had a family trip on the last week of february. during that time, i was already thinking. should i resign? and what reason should i say? the length of travel time we took to get to our next destination during the six-day vacation is how long i have thought of this decision. it continuously ran into my mind. it made me feel bothered that the only way lose it is to tell my bosses already.

and i did. march 2. i resigned. in between that date and today, i was writing two annual reports as my last projects. i was planning a content plan for a future social media client. i grew tired of it as this approaches. i was even surprised that i was able to finish it.

i have always been a doubter of the way i write. though my editor has always told me that i have a potential and i have been improving... i still think that it's not enough. this has been one of the reasons why i left my job. i felt like i have not been a good writer that my bosses thought i could be. i do think i was improving, but i wasn't improving fast enough. yeah i was able to write reports for huge companies and government agencies. i even created a style guide. but it still feels like i didn't do good. it still feels like... it's nothing.

and then i think of the course i finished. AB Asian Studies. a course that trained me research and academic writing skills. a course that made me have the diplomatic dream. i still feel that i could be an ambassador or a linguist (since i love learning new languages) someday. i think of studying again. of improving the knowledge that i have. this was the reason i told my bosses. i wanted a career change. i wanted to pursue what i finished. but... every time i think of it, i imagine of a long, rough uphill path that i have to climb.

it has been making me feel so confused. these thoughts are making me feel like i should decide now and do it immediately.

i guess i do need a vacation to forget all these thoughts... and know what i really want to do.

hanggang sa muli, masugid na mambabasa. :)

April 1...

... is my last day at my current work. don't know what will happen next, but i hope that it's for the better.